The Ultimatum

I am a teacher and have been a pretty good one for the past 15 years. This year, my health has progressively gotten worse and I am no longer able to handle the many things I have juggled easily in the past. Since August, I have taken all of my sick days for the year and it's only December. When I do go to work I find it hard to even function. I have now become the teacher I would criticize, you know, the one that teaches from her desk. Last week I had to quit being the Student Council Sponsor, helping with the yearbook, and quit the book club just to remove some of the stress that I think is making me worse.

So I am not super woman! There I finally admit it. But, for the longest time I was. I was a great teacher, mother, and wife but now I am only a shell of who I was and I had to admit that I NEED HELP. I sat in bed and looked at my husband and told him the truth. I told him I felt like a terrible mother. That I didn't remember how long I went without bathing and that I hadn't bathed the kids. That I couldn't take care of them alone anymore. That I needed his help. You see, he also teaches and after-school he coaches as well. This school year he has coached football and girls basketball and this coming week starts boys basketball. On most days he gets home around 7 or 8 pm.  Anyway, I was sobbing and he looked at me and said, "Go ahead and leave me because you will never be happy." I couldn't believe it. I didn't tell him I wanted him to give up boys basketball directly but he knew that was my request-that I was begging him to give it up so he could come home after school to help me.

 It was an ultimatum really. One that I thought I would win, but he chose basketball. My husband who swore to love me in sickness and in health chose to coach basketball instead of me. On one hand I feel selfish for even asking, but I do know that I need his help. The next morning, he woke up and told me he would do do anything I wanted after he came home from coaching-that he would do everything around the house. I couldn't believe that the man I love still does not understand this illness I struggle with on a daily basis! He really did compare his selfishness with my illness. He told me that he has had to put up with me not "wanting" to do anything with him anymore. As if I have chosen to be sick every day!

So now I am left at a loss. I put it the ultimatum out there and I got my answer. So now what? How do I deal with a husband I love who refuses to care for me? I am only getting worse and he refuses to acknowledge my illness. I knew that being diagnosed with Lupus was going to be a struggle, but I didn't think I would have to deal with it alone.