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| My Wedding Day-2008 |
Lately I have been so depressed about the how my life has been decimated by Lupus. I hurt every day. I spend my life lying in bed sometimes for days straight. I feel sad for my children who no longer have a mother active enough to keep up with them and a wife who is dropping the ball in almost every aspect of a husband/wife relationship.
It sucks mainly because I insist on being the woman I used to be 4 years ago: A woman who hiked and went waterfall climbing, a woman who biked with her children, a woman who was a great teacher, a woman who could juggle projects, lesson plans, soccer games, football practice, cooking, and cleaning. So pretty much, I'm a huge disappointment to myself because that woman is gone-dead.
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| Waterfall climbing |
I think I better start cutting myself some slack and realize that I am a new woman; yes, weaker in body, but strong in spirit. I can't do it all anymore, but I can maybe start doing some things well. So what does this mean? Well, I need to start saying no more often: Don't sponsor any more clubs or organization, don't go to parties of obscure relatives, pretty much say no to anything that is not completely important to me and my family. Also, if getting better means gaining weight then just do it. Since taking Prednisone and a long list of other drugs, I have gained thirty pounds in the past year and it has bothered me so much that I have refused to take it for the past four months knowing it would make me feel better. That is just stupid. So, today I am going to start caring about what I can do for myself instead of others. Hey, maybe if I wasn't trying to do everything I would have time and more importantly ENERGY to maybe go walking or do a little yoga. Exercise is supposed to make a person feel better but I can never have the energy or am in too much pain.
So, after weeks of feeling sorry for myself I have decided to stop pining away for the old me and embrace the new me. On the Lupus Support Group I am a part of, someone posted a quote: live until you die, and that's what I have to do-live until I die but in the present not in the past.
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| Living in the present |
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